The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
