I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
