yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
