Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
