Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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