Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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