Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
