I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
