apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
