Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
