thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
