I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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