chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i think my cat just said my name.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
