i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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