This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
