I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I need to align my fucking chakras
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