I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
