im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
