I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
