Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
