it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
