I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
