Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
