We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
