hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
