Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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