my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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