did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
