I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
