I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
