if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize