I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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