cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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