Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
