He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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