That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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