My Higher Power is John Stamos
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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