Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize