I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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