Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
