I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
