I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
