I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
