i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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