There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize