Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
