i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
