Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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