My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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