Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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