She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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