I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
