He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
