We're facebook friends in real life
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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