I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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