I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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