Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
